It’s been a weird day. Like I don’t even think my thoughts are coherent enough to make a real post, so forgive the prose in advance?
First, I had a Logic midterm today. Fuck that shit. Last night I had a great monologue about how grateful I am to be in an environment where my soul purpose is to learn and grow. It’s an environment where I can fail within limited parameters. I am so lucky to be one of the dumber people in the room because that means that I’ll never be bored and I’ll have so much to learn. I’m at a place where, during my senior year, I would have given an arm and a leg to be failing any class here.
And that’s all fine and dandy except when you get into the room, they hand out the exam and you’re madly scribbling in your bluebook.
In that moment: it’s not about the big picture, taking a step back or appreciating my education, it’s just about me not getting all of the material and feeling like an absolute blubbering idiot about it.
Imposter syndrome is so fucking real, I can’t even.
The first day of orientation, during convocation some dean had to explain to me what that was and I was young and confidant in what I had done before being here and so I was just like ‘huh, that’s interesting…’ and now I’m just like jesus christ story of my fucking life haHAhaha.
For me, the feeling of inadequacy is so hard to shake and it just seems latent, like lingering under the surface and then springs up all at once on days like today.
It’s not even really about doing well on this exam/ in this class/ during this semester.
It’s just about walking around this school, overhearing conversations, looking on social media, sneaking a peak at other people’s lives and just understanding that objectively yours is a dumbed down, less rigorous, less interesting version of theirs.
(& other shit today too – low motivation, 15 min passive aggressive fights over the phone, idk idk idk…)
till next time
xo, ur angsty inferior twentyteen